Daughter of Water

its been awhile since i'm here

today is the 7th of november, the eve of my birthday. nothing spectacular happened, it is like all the other days in my life, empty and uneventful. i really wanna just sleep through my birthday, i really wanna escape the day. its more like i refuse to grow up. the years are adding onto my life and i have not done or achieved anything spectacular.

i'm still the same, lazy and not willing to sacrifice to achieve anything. even in my studies, i'll discount myself and give myself the minimal amount of days for study. what did i do with my extra days??i have no idea. i have led a life without purpose all these while, till the extent that when something does happen i'll be surprised myself.

i'm a person with split personality. one is burried deep inside me, another is the person that's my shell. the person inside me wanted to change, wanted to accomplish and wanted to take risk. the person inside me is crying, is vulnerable and insecure.

but this person is deep inside me, in the middle of a maze with tangling and scattered with broken dreams, shattered hopes and surrounded by a thick smoke of emptiness.

the other me is the mirror of the other me. whatever the imprisoned me wanted to do, it'll try to oppose to it, by giving lame excuses and playing on the insecurities that the imprisoned me felt. usually, the other me won.

every YES that i wanted to say naturally when it reaches my mouth it'll become a NO. every confessions are turned to ignorance. every truthful admiration are turn into frowns that will makes me feel guilty. how many opportunities have i lost because of this??

but i do not blame this other me. she only wanted to protect me, shield me from further pain.

as i'm turning a year older, i wish that i could loosen up, be more accepting and more grateful for all the things that are happening. i'll try to keep my temper and i'll open up a little to the world.

this is a rather sombre pre-birthday post, thus i shall post some happy contradictory pictures!!